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Report: Sabino Canyon Opens Thai Restaurant as Main Attraction

TUCSON, Ariz. – Sabino Canyon Recreation Center has taken the initiative of opening a new restaurant to subsidize possible future cuts from park funding.

The recent state budget cuts have left every single person worrying about the fate of our parks. Instead of waiting to see what will happen, the Nature and Ecology Recreational Division (NERD) suggested that the parks take it upon themselves to add more attractions to inspire people to visit.

“In order to supplement possible budget cuts from state parks, it would be beneficial for them to open businesses and attractions, like restaurants, that people actually want instead of it being just nature,” NERD President Bill Hamier said at their yearly meeting.

The new restaurant Sabino Canyon built is called Spicy Thyme Always and is located at the foot of Seven Falls. So much hype was created around this opening that the center saw more visitors in the first 15 minutes than it had in years. The parking lot was overflowing with cars, limos, ATVs, and boats. Some people even flew into Tucson to see the new attraction.

Sabino Canyon complimented the new restaurant by also opening a segway rental center. This enables visitors to reach the main attraction quicker without exhausting themselves. The rental center brings in additional money by taking advantage of the exponentially growing popularity of segway tours around the world.

“I’m just really excited to try this new restaurant and use a segway because the falls weren’t enough to drag me out here,” said Joe Babinsky, a segway tourist.

While the first part of the trail has always been paved, it received a makeover with pink and purple sparkles in the pavement. The second part got a pavement job as well as installing miniature bridges where the path crossed over the small stream.

“We knew our segway rental option would be very popular and they wouldn’t travel well over the previously rough terrain,” said Julian Marcoba, a Sabino Canyon Park Ranger. “As for the sparkles, we wanted to create an enchanting atmosphere so tourists would feel they were being transported to Thailand by magic.”

The flowers on the trail also got a makeover, being genetically engineered to produce an aroma that would stimulate the craving for Thai food. Different news stations as far as Iowa reported they were able to smell the scent from these flowers.

The inside of the restaurant was decorated with pictures of different waterfalls from around the world and even had the sound of falling water to add to the authenticity of the atmosphere. Where there wasn’t a picture of a waterfall, there was a TV screening trashy reality shows so the customers wouldn’t feel completely cut off from the outside world.

The employees in the restaurant contributed to feeling of being transported to Thailand. The chef, David Apperly, is a middle-aged Caucasian man who was born and raised in Yuma, Arizona. Although he isn’t from Thailand, he claims his study abroad trip in college where he visited Bangkok for 3 weeks taught him enough about the culture to be considered an expert.

The uniforms of the other employees consisted of traditional Thai wardrobe. The women wore short denim shorts, neon pink crop tops and Sketchers while the men wore plaid shirts, denim pants and converse shoes.

“We think this appearance of our employees really shows how we are creating a real atmosphere of Thailand itself,” said Anna Darburi, manager of Spicy Thyme Always. 

People who were still waiting outside kept busy by taking selfies and trying to find a Wi-Fi signal so they could upload their pictures it to Instagram. The restaurant created a social media challenge to see who could upload the most pictures with the restaurant, rewarding the winner with a coupon for $350 off their next meal.

With such a high number of people visiting, the number of accidents also increased. Most of these accidents happened as people were leaving the restaurant and were trying to navigate the already crowded trail while becoming hypnotized by the scent from the flowers. They started to run into oncoming segways, resulting in more than 5,000 people falling down 70-foot ledges and another 2,000 people running into the canyon walls.

“The accidents that happened on the trail is showing us we still need to make improvements so it’s more accessible and safe for people,” Marcoba said after the accident. “We will probably start construction on elevators soon to avoid this happening again.”

Despite the accidents, the number of visitors has only been increasing since the opening day and Sabino Canyon is already devising ways to make it more entertaining for visitors.

“Spicy Thyme Always has already proven to be profitable,” Marcoba said. “We are already starting plans to turn the waterfall into a slip n’ slide to get more even people to visit.”

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It is a certainty that most, if not all, of the above information has been made up and is completely false. Mostly.