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Report: Man Eaten by Giant Spider

(Tucson, Az) – The Pima County Sheriff’s Department and the Department of Homeland Defense have reported that a local man has been captured and eaten by a giant black widow spider near the small town on Arivaca. The man, whose name is being withheld until family members are notified, was last seen caught in the huge spider’s web with his head about to be bitten off.

The black widow spider is known by local Arivaca residents only as “Momma”. At over 10 feet in diameter, Momma is the world’s largest black widow spider.

“She's big. I mean freakin’ huge,” Austin Paul, an entomologist from the University of Arizona told reporters on Monday. “We think her size is due to all those hormones and additives in our food supply. They get passed down the food chain and next thing you know you’ve got a monster-sized spider eating people. Yeah, for a while she was cute when she was the size of a small horse and ate mostly newborn babies, but now she’s feasting on full-grown adults. It’s gotten a little out of control.”

It’s unknown what spurred Momma’s latest attack, but local residents believe it stemmed from hunger. Arivaca resident Tom Green told reporters yesterday, “Momma’s usually pretty friendly, but she gets real cranky when she hasn’t eaten for a week or two. We try to stay away from her when she’s that hungry ‘cause next thing you know you’re in her web and she’s eatin’ you. Either that or she mistook that poor sucker for a mate.”

Friends say that the stricken man was out exploring the area over the weekend. “We were just out enjoying the trails,” a fellow four-wheeler noted, “and we noticed all these webs out in the middle of the desert. Next thing you know, that idiot went right up to Momma’s web and started taking pictures. He wanted to take a selfie with her.”

Initial reports suggest the man got too close to Momma, then she grabbed him and stuck him to the center of her web.

Witnesses reported that the man looked confused and angry. “What are you doing on this web, Momma?” The man yelled. “This looks like an orb spider web, not your typical tangled web!”

“I’m house sitting,” Mommma replied just before she bit his head off. Then, as all black widows do, she injected him with digestive enzymes to liquefy his insides before sucking them out of him like a Strawberry Eegee.

“We looked into this and can find no laws that were broken. The laws clearly state that when Momma is hungry, you don’t try to take her picture. We call it the Stupid Photographer Law,” Dave Wescott from the Pima Country Sheriff’s Department said. “It’s similar to our Stupid Motorist Law in which we can fine motorists who go around barricades and try to drive through flooded washes. Only with this law, we allow a giant spider to eat you. So it’s sorta the same thing.”

The case is still under investigation. The area around Arivaca is considered safe for the moment as Momma will not be hungry again for at least a week.

Below is the last known picture of the dumbass, a selfie of him and Momma:

I’m not sure if you realized it or not, but this story is made up. BUT, there’s some truth to the story. Did you know that some parks are having to put up signs NOT to take selfies with bears and other wild (and potentially dangerous) animals. Some are even thinking they are going to have to close down during peak bear months. Here are a couple of stories about this latest selfie craze:



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It is a certainty that most, if not all, of the above information has been made up and is completely false. Mostly.