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Report: Make America Skate Again

By Sara Harelson

(Phoenix, Az) - In a controversial decision made this week, Scott Pruitt, Administrator of the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency, has decided to close Lake Powell and proceed with a plan to drain the lake and turn it into the world’s largest skate park.

Government officials have disclosed that The Environmental Protection Agency and the Society for Skaters have partnered up to solve two incredibly pressing issues: a “no-seriously-guys-were-out-of-water” drought and a lack of rad-ass skate parks. The “entirely-made-up-except-for-the-scientific-facts” climate change has produced a pressing drought in the United States and the EPA has decided the best way to combat it would be to install a massive drain at the bottom of the lake and pull the plug once a year. This would allow the U.S. to rid themselves of millions of gallons of fresh, pure, drinking water and import millions of gallons of tainted water from Trump’s Russia each year.

Pruitt, who finally did something regarding the National Parks, has decided they would be better served as coal factories or car manufacturers, which he thinks will increase emissions. Rumors have floated around that he will blame rising emissions on Mexico to strengthen Trump’s border wall crusade.

Pruitt looked pleased as he made his way to the Oval Office to discuss the plans further. “You’d be surprised by these skaters. They’re good people who need a place to thrive and the lakes and green areas around the country are perfect for that. It’s not like we need them for anything.”

The leader of the Nature Conservancy commented on the proposal saying, “This is a joke right? The country isn’t actually going to get behind this.”

To which the reporter laughed and said, “Have you seen what’s been going on lately?”

The man in charge of the Society of Skaters, known as “Super D” to his very few friends, is enthralled by this idea. The president of the Society for Skateboarders is none other than the leader of the free world, President Donald Trump.

One little known aspect of Trump’s early childhood was that he was a troubled kid until his dad bought him his first skateboard to keep him out of trouble. He became a master shredder and competed at a semipro level until he was kicked out for doping and groping a major female leader in the skateboarding movement. Apparently there is no “locker room talk” tolerated in the skateboarding world. Now he spends his days riding down the halls of the White House on a 24k gold skateboard with diamond wheels doing kickflips off the half pipe he built in the Blue Room.

“Us skate rats are discriminated against, bro. Everyone thinks we’re just burn outs and losers,” Super D said casually as he lit a cigarette and said, “Skaters are finally getting a place to call their own. It’s Rad. Hope the EPA doesn’t bail, man.”

The proposal includes instructions on how to empty the lake through a giant tub drain. President Trump will then use this water to build a new 18,000-hole golf course that will officially be the largest one in the world named Mar A Lago2. The water will fill a massive pond that he plans to stock with endangered fish and animals from around the globe. Super D is desperate for a place he can finally disappear, play some golf, and get some shred time in because he has yet to relax at all since taking office.

The blueprints have been released for the skate park. The park will include 2,000 miles of skating bliss, 800 half pipes, 5 taco stands run by the only Mexican immigrants Trump likes, 4 “We’ll-Try-Not-To-Grope-You” massage parlors, and a strip mall of high-end retail stores to keep Melania busy. Plus, this new-age park will include escalators for the lazy and a Mount Rushmore style carving into the side of Lake Powell of all the Trump children. There are reports Putin’s face may be included as well.

So what happens when they pull the plug? Once a year, at Pruitt’s discretion, the giant tub drain will be pulled and the excess water drained out to the tank prepared to filter into Trump’s giant golf course. Obviously there will be skater lives lost in the process but Trump commented they “knew what they were signing up for.”

Pruitt saw a lack of interest and necessity in National Parks and monuments and has begun formulating a massive plan to rid the country of any and all green space. Lake Powell is simply the first of the many closure projects.

This idea has sparked interest in draining lakes all around the country. In fact, he plans on turning the entire west coast into a massive water park because west coast people are all “snowflakes and whiners.”

President Trump tweeted a few days after the proposal was approved in congress: “WOW!! GREAT people getting rid of down in the dumps Lake Powell and draining the “swamp” to help MAKE AMERICA SKATE AGAIN. MASA”

At press time, President Trump commented that he was proud to finally get some legislation passed that would increase his leisure time ten fold.

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It is a certainty that most, if not all, of the above information has been made up and is completely false. Mostly.