Report: Smartest Man in America Proves that Jeeps are Better than Horses
(Phoenix, Arizona) - Self proclaimed genius and smartest man in America, Dr. Sheldon Cooper, visited Arizona's premier research laboratory, the Arizona Scientific Institute of Numerical Information and Nefarious Examinations (ASININE) in Phoenix last week to deliver news he said would "change the world as we know it."
Dr. Cooper greeted the mass of researchers amidst overwhelming applause and began his discourse by stating, "I am here because I have proven once and for all that horses are better than Jeeps."
The audience gasped.
"Bazinga!" he said with a quirky smile. "Just kidding. Everyone knows that Jeeps are better than horses." He let his statement sink in for a moment, then added. "And Trix are for kids, silly rabbit."
He let the murmuring die down and got serious. "The theory that Jeeps rule and horses drool has been around for a long time - essentially, since Jeeps were invented, but to date no one has had the scientific evidence to prove it. Until now."
"It's taken me five years, but I have put together a bunch of mathematical equations that show Jeeps are superior to horses in every way," Dr. Cooper stated, then he spent the next three hours going through his equations, which contained a great deal of X's, Y's, equal signs and squiggly characters that probably represent higher order math in some way.
A few people in the audience seemed confused and Dr. Cooper said, "You must be horse people. Let me simplify it for you" and he wrote the following equation on the blackboard: Jeep > horse. Even the horse people seemed to understand and once again applause erupted from the great hall.
Dr. Ben Stillwell, president of the ASININE research center, was elated by Dr. Cooper's discovery. "Evidence to prove this has been a long time coming. We've had to make due with reports like the one authored by another superior intellect, Matt Marine, which has now been validated by the world's foremost genius."
When asked what history-changing question Dr. Cooper would tackle next, the intellectual king of kings thought for a moment, then said, "Maybe time travel ... or redesigning the new Jeep Cherokee and Renegade to look and behave like actual Jeeps. Not sure which one would be more difficult."
Dad, you're a jerk.
Is my horse considered a four-wheel drive vehicle?
I'm still looking for a date for Saturday night. I don't care if you're a horse person or not.
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It is a certainty that most, if not all, of the above information has been made up and is completely false. Mostly.