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Report: National Park Service Plans to Install Escalators in Grand Canyon

(Grand Canyon, Arizona) - In an effort to provide more access to the Grand Canyon, the National Park Service is planning to install a series of escalators to take visitors from the top rim to the Colorado River at the bottom.

"This is a engineering marvel that will transform how people experience the Grand Canyon," said Park Ranger John Francis Smith. "We have over 8 million visitors to the park every year. Of those, only 12 people actually make it all the way to the bottom. And half of them die on the trip back up." He motioned to the mock display of the escalators. "That will end when these new escalators are installed. No more will people have to sweat and exert energy to experience all that is the Grand Canyon."

"Let's face it," he continued. "Most Americans are overweight and can't climb a set of stairs without blowing out an artery or two. Why should they be excluded from the best part of the Grand Canyon? Although we've kept it a secret for over 100 years, through the advancement of social media the public has found out that viewing the Grand Canyon from the rim is ... well ... boring as shit. The best stuff is down below. There's even a Hooter's restaurant at Phantom Ranch that we've managed to keep quiet. This new escalator system would allow everyone to experience the Eighth Wonder of the World in all its glory - just as it was intended when the park was designated almost one hundred years ago."

As shown in the artists rendition above, the Park Service went through great extents to ensure that the new escalators seemlessly fit in with the rugged topography and natural beauty of the Grand Canyon. "You won't even be able to tell they're here unless you trip over them," said Ranger Smith.

The escalator that whisks tourists on this adventure is really a system of escalators - three of them side by side. Passengers will have three choices: First Class, Coach and Cargo.

For only $5,000 per person, First Class passengers will take the Golden Goose, or as some are calling it, "The Stairway to Heaven" to the bottom of the canyon. The trip only takes 15 minutes and those riding will have the following extravagant treatments:
-Luxurious ride on the brand new Silent Stairs 5000 escalator complete with heated handrails, 24k gold covered seating and free WiFi
-Escalator covered to protect them from any harsh outdoor environment like snow, rain or sunshine
-First run movies played on individual big screen HD TVs
-Complementary champagne and full course chef prepared meal delivered by retired supermodels (none over 23 years of age)
-Photos taken by renowned photographer Ansel Adams who was brought back from the dead just to take pictures of them
-Full body message, pedicure and manicure
-A new 2014 BMW

For each $19.95 ticket, Coach passengers will take the "Silver Skyway" escalator from a much more sophisticated age, meaning the thing was built in the early 1900s. This escalator gets plucky tourists to the bottom in just under an hour. Travelers on this adventure filled trip passengers can expect:
-An open air ride to best experience the Grand Canyon (please bring rain gear, parka, or swim suit depending on weather)
-Complementary twenty year old nuts and beer (Bud Light) served by our experienced team of fired airline stewards
-Twelve inch LCD TVs showing the latest WB sitcom or videos of people getting hit in the nuts (which are about the same thing)
-"I rode the Silver Skyway" ride photo available for $10 (4x6 print, 5x7 is $15). Women exposing their breasts for the photo get a free 5x7 picture and their image posted to numerous Grand Canyon employee Facebook pages
-Complementary Grand Canyon Back Scratcher to reach those awkward places
-A slightly used 1978 Ford Pinto

Cargo passengers can ride "The Ol' Rust Bucket of Death" (RBD) down into the canyon for whatever spare change they can scrounge up. This converted (and cursed) roller coaster has been retired from the state fair, but is all about fun, adventure and getting the crap scared out of you. Passengers can expect to reach the bottom of the canyon in just under 15 seconds should the brakes fail, or up to 6 hours depending on number of breakdowns it has. Cargo riders will have the following niceties:
-Seatbelts to keep passengers fastened to the escalator as it careens into the canyon
-Complementary snacks (whatever bugs you can catch in your teeth) and drinks (if it's raining) are included
-Entertainment if the form of gambling is allowed for Cargo Class riders. For $5, each passenger can enter a death pool. Any passenger who guesses the correct number of guests who die during the descent gets to keep the pool (passenger must be alive to win)
-Convicted perverts and deviants, posing as professional photographers, will take pictures of you, your loved ones and your children in a variety of locations and poses. Each passenger will receive one free copy off their favorite picture (photographers get to keep all their favorites)
-Sometimes the escalator can become overcrowded and passengers will be expected to fucking make do
-Complementary creepy foot massages, delousing and leg humping also provided by the band of roving photographers
-A new 2014 Toyota Prius

When asked what the Park Service was going to do with the mules that currently take adventurous, but lazy tourists into the canyon, Smith stated, "Although we aren't getting rid of the mules, tourists won't be riding them anymore, at least not while breathing. The mules will be used to haul the dead from when the Ol' Rust Bucket of Death brakes decide to give us problems. We expect them to be very busy. Besides, the mules are icons of the park and loved by all, but mostly the RBD's photographers."

Work on the new escalator system is anticipated to begin in September, 2014 and take 30 years. The National Park service regrets that the Grand Canyon will be closed while the escalator is under construction. It is estimated that the project will cost $2 billion dollars with less than a 10% return on investment. "We've got money to blow and this seemed like an extravagant expense we just couldn't pass up," said Smith.

When asked what's next for the Grand Canyon National Park, Smith said, "We're thinking about constructing a drive in iMax theater and showing Google's Street view tour of the hike down into the canyon so tourists can get as close to the actual Grand Canyon experience without ever leaving their cars. That or a building the world's longest bungi cord drop over the center of the canyon."

Comments

Jerry L
This is ridiculous! I can't even believe you're thinking about constructing an escalator into the canyon. Are you guys freakin' insane. Glass elevators makes much more sense. Now, that would be cool.

Anne D
Are horses allowed on the escalators?

Steve M
Still no date for Saturday night. Where can I apply for the photographer position you mentioned above?

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It is a certainty that most, if not all, of the above information has been made up and is completely false. Mostly.