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Report: Forest Service Bans the Use of Flamethrowers on NF Land

(Phoenix, Az) - Just in time for the hot Arizona summer, the Forest Service has banned use of all flamethrowers in National Forest lands. Forest Service media representative, Amanda Blanchard, told reporters yesterday that after years of debate on the subject, they have decided to ban the use of all flamethrowers in the National Forest. “We’ve spent the last five years researching this and have found that given the serious drought in our forests, especially in the western states, there is a chance that flamethrowers could cause forest fires if not used properly. And we have seen a tremendous increase in the irresponsible use of flamethrowers over the past few years. People just go out and buy a flamethrower, don’t take any training and just start burning shit up like it’s some sort of weapon or something.”

This decision has been blasted by flamethrower owners across the nation. The NFA (National Flamethrower Association) has publicly stated that they believe the Forest Service’s policy is unconstitutional.  

Jack “Flame-on” Llama, spokesperson for the NFA, stated that not only is this ban unconstitutional, but, “It really pisses me off. I mean, I just bought my Flamer2000 off E-bay and now where can I go to burn stuff up? As a taxpayer, don’t I have the right to burn down whatever I want?”

The NFA also states that having flamethrowers in National Forests actually make people (and the forests) safer. “It’s a fact that no one carrying a flamethrower on forest land has been attacked in the last ten years,” Llama said to reporters. “Plain and simple, people are much safer hiking and camping with flamethrowers. No one, not even a grizzly bear, fucks with someone carrying a flamethrower.”

Although the Forest Service concedes to the NFA’s statistics, they don’t seem convinced. “There’s just too much that can go wrong with flamethrowers. And if we continue to allow the unregulated use of flamethrowers, we are concerned about the message we are giving the forest creatures. Especially the young ones. Pretty soon they are going to want their own flamethrowers. In the last few years, we’ve seen a 20% increase in the use of flamethrowers by young rabbits, squirrels and chipmunks. We are seeing small gangs of these creatures roaming the forests with their little flamethrowers and bullying the larger predators. It’s throwing off the whole nature-balance thing.”

In response to the Forest Service’s claim that flamethrowers are inherently dangerous, Llama brought his wife and two children to yesterday’s public meeting. His wife was packing the popular pink and lacey “Mrs. Lady Flame” flamethrower, while his children sported Spongebob Squarepants and Dora the Explorer flamethrowers. Llama’s family spent 30 minutes showing the audience just how safe flamethrowers can be. The display ended with the family accidently burning three Forest Service representatives and one member of the media to death.

When asked about the four gruesome deaths, Llama was vehement that it wasn’t the flamethrower’s fault. “It’s not flamethrowers that kill people, it’s people who kill people.” The few reporters that had not been burned reminded him that it was his family who had been holding the flamethrowers which caused the deaths. Llama then stated it was clear that the people had spontaneously human combusted for which he blamed on Obama and then Bush and then Reagan and an increase in the tax base for middle America.

Llama went on to state that the Forest Service should not penalize all law-abiding flamethrower-owning citizens for the few people who don’t know how to use them and “ruin it for the rest of us.” 

The Forest Service wasn’t convinced and the ban stands. Llama and the NFA are planning on fighting this until “you pry my burned and charred fingers from my empty flamethrower’s trigger.” The NRA has offered to help the NFA with improving their public image and seeking possible lawsuits, but so far the NFA has not taken them up on their offer, stating, “Mmmmmmm, the NRA seems a little bit too radical for us and our message right now. Maybe PETA?”


Clint E
I know what you're thinking, punk. You're thinking "is his tank empty?" Now to tell you the truth I forgot myself in all this excitement. But being this is a 44 Magnum Flamethrower, the most powerful flamethrower in the world and will torch your head clean off, you've gotta ask yourself a question: "Do you think you're funny?" Well, do ya, punk?

Me: I gots to know

Clint: whoosh

Anne D
Can I use my flamethrower in National Forests if I'm on my horse?

Mr. Chip Monk
I pity the fool who tries to take away my flamethrower.

Jim P
I take offense at your comments. The Second Amendment isn't something to joke about. Although a sense of humor is a sign of intelligence, I find humor unappealing when it goes against my beliefs. There should be a law against it.

Steve M
Do you think owning a flamethrower will help me get a date for Saturday night?

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It is a certainty that most, if not all, of the above information has been made up and is completely false. Mostly.