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Report: Black Bear Wins Lottery to Hunt Humans

Alpine, Arizona – A local black bear named Gary just hit the lottery. He was selected by the Human Hunting and Gaming Commission (HHGC) as the only bear this year to be drawn to hunt down and kill a human. “I just can’t believe my luck,” Gary said as he heard the news late Friday night. “Wow. I mean just wow. I never win anything and now this. It’s every bear’s dream. And here I am, living it!”

Gary, a 250 lb black bear who lives just outside Alpine, has already started sharpening his claws in anticipation of the hunt. “I’m not sure who I want to kill,” he said becoming thoughtful for a moment. “Maybe a lone hiker? Or … I could head into a campground and just rip into a tent and see what’s inside. It would be like opening a Cracker Jack box when I was a kid. I love surprises.”

Ricky the Raccoon, head of HHGC confirmed the news at a local press conference. “It’s rare we have a black bear win this lottery. Usually it’s a grizzly or polar bear, but they got zip this year.” He went on to address the large audience of woodland creatures in attendance. “But let’s not forget that we have other winners as well: a mountain lion in Montana, a couple of rattlesnakes in Mississippi and Florida, a rabid bat in Indiana and a swarm of killer bees also in Arizona made the list. It should be a great summer. Especially in Arizona.”

The official human hunt kicks off on July Fourth and lasts through Thanksgiving. The HHGC press conference is usually one of the biggest animal parties of the year, but these hunts have seen some controversy recently. Last year a grizzly bear exceeded his limit when he went after a family of four in Wyoming, killing three and seriously injuring a third. In 2012, there were four instances of animals attacking humans out of season. Worst of all, two of the attacks were for sport.

Ricky told the audience, “Although no humans were actually killed during these two attacks, it’s a shame they put a bad light on the sport of hunting humans. I mean no one bought that the water moccasin was going to eat the three hundred pound woman he bit on the leg. And I won’t even comment on the brown recluse in Texas.”

Ricky’s comments highlight an emerging viewpoint – that humans have feelings and shouldn’t be slaughtered for sport. Although this controversial view is not held by most animals, some have proposed it could be possible. This topic was brought up during the press conference in response to the announcement of the lottery winners.

“I saw a human rescue a drowning deer!” Sandy, a squirrel from Bikini Bottom, Minnesota declared. But when challenged, she couldn’t prove that the human didn’t come back and kill it later.

“Look at the facts,” said Bill, one of the few remaining buffalos living in the wild. “No one who treats the environment as humans do could be considered intelligent. And it was proven centuries ago that you need intelligence to have feelings. It should be open hunting season on them!”

Wild applause erupted from the audience.

“But what of the dogs and cats who vouch for them?” A young prairie dog shouted out.

“Brainwashed!” A wolf responded. “Give anyone free food and a comfy couch to lie on and they will spread whatever lies you want them too.”

The debate raged for hours until Ricky shelved it, stating they would talk about it next year when they decide which animal virus they would unleash upon the human population. Although they couldn’t come to an agreement on if humans were worth a crap, one thing they all could agree on: humans taste like chicken. At press time, a few dozen chickens had filed an official complaint with the HHGC for slander.  

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It is a certainty that most, if not all, of the above information has been made up and is completely false. Mostly.